For My Rose
by allonsyalways
Summary: The Doctor still thinks about Rose, even after his Regeneration. He decided to write a letter about his life since... well, since that day on the shore.


So. My first (published) fanfiction. The beginning of a long and wonderful journey filled with laughter, tears, and hopefully thanks and praise. So sit, relax, and get out your Kleenex. Let's ride this rollercoaster together.

Reviews are much,_ MUCH_ appreciated.

**Disclaimer: **No, I don't own Doctor Who or the characters in it, no matter how much I wish that were the case.

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Dear Rose. My sweet Rose.

I've had some fantastic adventures you should hear about. Crazy ones, too. Almost a whole other life. Well, actually, yes; It IS a different life. I regenerated. A pretty good regeneration, though. I've got great hair, cute face, and apparently I'm excellent at football! It's funny, though, my first craving was for fish fingers and custard. That was odd. And I didn't like bacon, toast, carrots, omelets or even beans! Beans! I've adapted to this life and gotten some of my taste buds back, now. Oh goodness, must get back on track here. Oh yes, I got a few new companions, as well. After… well, after what happened, I began to travel around, searching for trouble, as always. And guess what? I found some. More than some, actually. It was quite a fix. Yeah, there were silly little things between… then… and this, you know, the world collapsing and aliens invading. The Daleks came quite frequently, to my displeasement. They're gone now, of course. You know I protect the Earth! You might as well just call me, "The Guardian of Earth!" Actually, don't; that's a rubbish title. I'll stick to the Doctor for now. But I have, indeed, saved the world numerous times. I'll never get done saving you. Well, I mean, I've saved this world. Your world. Your true home.

My companions have been quite entertaining, with all of them being their stupid-ape self. Been quite a few of them, too. There was one girl, Martha. She was quite smart, and went along with all the craziness of my life without much question. Very loyal, honest, and trustworthy. Helped me with Cybermen, Daleks, and the usual creepies. There are millions more to add to that list, I'll have you know. But now she's working for the government. Actually helped me quite a lot, which, as you know, the government doesn't usually do, seeing as I don't exist. Poor girl. She sacrificed so much for me, but nowhere near as much as you. Funny how things turn out when you spend your time with me, eh?

There was also a woman, particularly a woman and most certainly _not_ a girl, called Donna. My, was she a creature! I was travelling in the TARDIS one day, and all of a sudden this ginger woman beams herself onto my ship in a wedding gown! I was baffled! How could someone just appear on my old girl? She sure didn't_ let_ her in; I was nowhere near Earth. I had to check that out, but I focused on the task at hand: There's a woman in her wedding gown in my TARDIS with no explanation whatsoever on how she got there. I took a look at her and almost laughed at her expression. You can imagine how confused and furious she was. It was a scream just talking to her. Absolutely brilliant. She is one of the funniest gingers I've met. I've got to talk to her again someday. Anyway, I took her back to Earth, and she missed the wedding (She didn't explode with rage as I thought she might've) only to find they were having the reception without her (That's when she exploded. Figured it had to happen sometime). My, I've never seen someone that angry in a wedding gown. I could feel the intensity of her rage, and believe me; I wanted to get out of there. But, eventually, she calmed down and travelled with me to various places. Turns out in the end, her fiancé was evil, and of course THAT was a shock to her. When I first met him, he had this odd, sort of, aura about him. Sadly, he fell into the center of the Earth. Funny way to go, I suppose. Again, you never know what's going to happen when you're involved with me, do you?

And then something happened. After I had regenerated, I had crashed onto Earth around 2008 or so, I can't remember. It was a crazy day. And me, _me_, not remembering something shows you that day was disastrous. I'm a Time Lord._ Rassilon_, if I can't remember something then the world must be ending! Pushing that aside, I'll go back onto that memory. I had tumbled into the swimming pool in the library, and climbed to the door, and when I got out, I was in someone's garden! I'd wrecked it pretty badly, and I felt a bit ashamed. But a child came out of the house that I assumed owned the garden. I was shocked she came out so late at night, and she didn't seem frightened by the time of day or by me. You humans are terrified of the dark and being out at midnight, not to mention little ginger girls. Again, I meet gingers all day but I never regenerate into one, do I? Well, I had come into her house a while later; that's when I found out my fish finger and custard love. Sweet Scottish girl, tried making me food, but I just threw it out. I still feel a little guilty for that. I'm sure she'll forgive me; she always did. While I was at the house, though, there was a crack in her wall. That was definitely no ordinary crack, either. I could tell it was a crack in the universe. Years later (well, years to her, a few hours to me), as I travelled with her and her fiancé, Rory (That's a long story that would take countless hours to explain), I found that the crack was following us wherever and whenever we went, splitting the universe in secret. You can imagine the chaos that caused. Then there was this whole situation with her and Rory and their child and clones… It's quite a tale. Their child's name was River Song, or Melody. Oh, that woman. She was so… I'll stop from going into that now. Bad idea.

Somehow, with every companion, every world, every new experience, I feel as if there is something missing. I sometimes notice a flicker in the corner of my eye, but sigh when there's nothing there. Well, usually nothing is there. Sometimes it's an alien in which case I have to go follow it and it just gets complicated. And once I find the alien, I have to figure out where it's from and what it wants; You know the routine. But, really, I seem to miss something I once had, something I was with. I had a strong connection to something and I had to let it go. I had to let it live its life, and not get involved in any more of mine, for its own sake.

There are very few impossible things in the universe, if any, or in all of time and reality, and not just from a Time Lord's point of view. As a Time Lord, I would know what is or is not impossible, and you know that. There is impossibility that I have discovered as time goes on that I never would have thought could happen. But there is one certain impossible thing that I have experienced for myself. I have found that is absolutely and completely impossible to forget you, Rose Tyler. In every room I imagine you there, what you would do in the situation, what you would say. I chuckle to myself sometimes because I really do know what you would say. Your clever comments, your brave spirit, and your presence clings itself to the threads of my being in every moment in time, and that stuns me. No one has ever had so much power and control over me, as I keep my thoughts locked and guarded. But somehow, you manage to creep up and remind me of yourself and how much I long for you to accompany me in every world and place. I have briefly explained you to a few of my companions, but of course, they don't truly understand. No one could know our story and what we've done for the entire universe. It's our history, just for us. And it seems like I want to tell them, explain everything. Just to get it all out of my head, and have someone else know, instead of keeping your life a secret. I want to show the world how brilliant you are, and how you would give up your life and ask for nothing in return. How much you were willing to sacrifice just to be with me, to hold my hand, as I needed a friend. On the rare occasion that I am alone, I pull up a voice interface of you. It's nothing even remotely close to having you there, but just seeing you… It makes it easier to cope with your absence. I long for you, Rose. I really, honestly, and truthfully do.

I've left you with that… clone of me. John Smith he calls himself. At least, that's since I last saw him. I hope you are living your life happily with him, have gotten married, and had children, the usual human love cycle. I'm sure they would be just like you. Hopefully they've got your genes and not his; otherwise, they'd be a sight to see, wouldn't they? Oh, Rose… Living your life happily with him is all I ever could have given you. I couldn't, and I know this and repeatedly tell myself this; I just couldn't let you spend your life on the TARDIS with me. I couldn't age with you. I would have to watch you grow older and weaker, and I just couldn't bear to watch. I couldn't have children with you… Whether it's even possible for a Time Lord and a human to successfully reproduce, I don't know. But if it were, they would have Time Lord genes, and they'd have to travel… I couldn't do that to them. I couldn't do that to you. I couldn't do much for you, so I leave you with him, in hope that he will suffice.

Rose. Rose, Rose, Rose. Your name rolls off of my tongue so well. Saying it makes me grin, but I can't seem to grin as sincerely as before. My joy is never complete, it seems, but my emptiness is. I keep telling myself that I'll come and visit you, but how can I? I'd just be burning up the sun even more, causing your life and all the other humans' there to be shorter and shorter. And why should I be there if he is? You don't need two of us; you're living with him, and having a good life. And I couldn't come and see you. I know I couldn't bear it. I'd see you and never want to leave, and I couldn't take seeing you living your life with someone else, even if it is him. And I'm afraid that if you saw me, you'd leave him to come with me, and not even look back. You'd miss your old life, no matter what you think. Oh, Rose. I'm so, so sorry. I've wrecked your life so much; I hope you can forget me better than I can you. I realize you'll never receive this letter, and I know I'll never see you again. Live your life like you'd die tomorrow. Live like you should be, and like you've never met me. Have your human life back. Go adventure the world and time that you can, Earth, 2012, and I'll handle the rest of it. As you age on Earth, I will be exploring the rest of the universe and more. I bid both of us a last, Allons-y!

When I left that day on Bad Wolf Bay, I said a lot of things. Some sad and gloomy, some hopeful and happy. You should have just told me to shut it, honestly. I wasted so much time…But I also didn't say things, and they most certainly _should_ have been said, no matter what I thought then. I think back to it now and I realize that was the most important thing I could have said, the only thing I needed to say. All the farewells and happy hopes wasted time, because I never told you. I never told you what you really needed to hear.

Rose Tyler, I love you.

-The Doctor


End file.
